You Create Your Life | Tobias' 30 Day Raw Food Challenge

I always worked and lived in the acknowledgement of something bigger than myself,

in the tapestry of divine energy.

I was never too comfortable with religion and the politics of believe.

God, Budha, Jahwe, Alah, Jesus, heaven, hell, sin…

I did just not get.

My life is about helping others and has always been.

Needless to say I burned out regardless of the brilliant Yoga I daily did.

Many of my earth angels ( friends ) have told me kindly to stop.

To full stop.

To recharge, find nourishment for MY roots and just BE.

Following a bit of a stucked chapter in relationship  , yes, we also have our differences

A kid does change a lot in the life of gypsy hearted, neverland residents.

I was forced to think, as I do not like feeling stuck.

I booked a silent retreat, as that spoke most to me, googled my options.

No space, not the right dates, too far, too expensive, too long…

1000 excuses and no alignment.

I prayed/ asked! The way I do, without the ‘great father in heaven’ and ‘Amen’.

I really needed a place to go and remembered a clients wife regularly retreating in Wales.

St. Beuno’s, came highly recommended by someone who kind of knows me well.

I phoned and the person said: we are fully booked for the year.

Due to a BBC2 program about them,’ The Big silence’, which I never heard of, as we do not have a TV.

I asked to check anyhow for cancellations maybe.

Ha, and Yes 4 weeks from today there is 1 space. And that space is for ME to BE.

I looked them up online after and was a bit uncertain. A Jesuite monastery type of place.

With daily Eucharist, spiritual guidance in the evening…

I phones straight back to cancel. I am not catholic nor a Jesus believer and I think that might not work.

Surprised by the reply: we are open to all.

We just facilitate space for inner silence. The rest is optional. Ok, I booked my train and that was it.

After 2 weeks in Croatia I came back for 4 days to just set off again. My clients should be used to that by now . May is not my month of work it seems, neither seems October or December.

Sun spoiled and already more grounded and rested, I set off to my journey into silence. Needless to say all people that know me just had a good giggle about me being silent as I am the one that speaks all the time.

27.5 .-3.6.11 St. Beuno’s North of Wales situated on a beautiful hill side overlooking the sea.

Friday the 27.05.11

The walls are thick with history and the huge crosses posing wherever you look. I was booked into a cottage, less imposing and very quaint, with a view out of a little crossed window over the sea. Right next to the pregnant sheep field and the cows in the distance. The clouds hanging low – nothing new for a ‘Glaswegian’.

I felt at home and comfortable here.

Our opening meeting was nice, and what stuck with me was the quote:

Silence is like a blank canvas on which Got draws.

Followed by our little group meeting in the Hamlet tower, lively energy.

My Director was Anne, a kind and supportive soul, handling me with tender care.

We were handed a biblical text – Good start I thought- NOT.

It was about a blind person on the path of Jesus’s pilgramige, he said, ‘have mercy with me’ (btw this is the very edited short version of it) Jesus said how can I help you, not assuming the obvious.

The blind man said, I want my sight back and Jesus did just that.

We were ask to pray over it in silence, the hair at the back of my head rose, she then added or meditate, which still did not feel right for me.

I kindly opted out of further spiritual sessions with Anne, she offered to just hold my space just in case. Very sweet and that was exactly what I needed, someone to HOLD MY SPACE for me.

We got a tour of the vast place, which made me more confused than before.

The chapel, another one and another one… Dining room, launch, the art room and 40 achres of land around it. A labyrinth – looked a bit naff. A herb garden in his baby shoes (and in the shape of a mighty cross ), a grave yard which creeps me out, felds, forest, park and a lovely rock chappel, I really learned to like. Impressive.

I arrived. Unpacking my few belongings, I m used to travelling light.

I met my cottage buddy Simone, who seemed very kind, polite and quiet, exactly what you are looking for in a room mate.

I set on the bed – and now what?

Not noticing that I asked. I was drawn to the art room. Realising, I have not touched a brush, cole or a pastel color in 15 years, after graduating from the college of art and study of fashion and design. I looked at it all for a while.

I wanted to leave, yet I could not. I was set down with a white paper in from of me with pastel paints. I started scribbling clumpsily.

ASK – was the headline.

I went to my room and started wrecking my brain. It did not seem easy to ask for what one wants.

Surprisingly hard to start. It was evening and I went to bed, not knowing.